Mommy’s baby, daddy’s... too
By Cynshei Wilson
Being a new mom is hard. Sometimes you feel ridiculously exhausted and super overwhelmed. Now, by no means did I expect this new journey to be easy. I knew it would come with many challenges. But at times, the easiest thing to do, tends to feel like the hardest. One of my biggest challenges is accepting help from my daughter’s father.
An active father is what just about every woman wants. A father who tries to be present in his child’s life. Hell, when I learned I was pregnant I just knew we would split all of the responsibilities 50/50. At the time, I didn’t know how hard it would be to accept his help. As women, most of us think we can conquer anything. Now, don’t get me wrong WE CAN! Then add, pushing an entire 6lb.14.8 oz human out of your vagina and there you have a woman who feels like she can defeat Steph Curry in a 3 point shoot-out. But when there is someone around asking you to allow them to take some responsibility off of your shoulder, let them!
The moment I had my daughter I wanted her all to myself. Selfish of me, I know. But this was MY daughter. I pushed her out. I carried her for 290 days. I felt the labor pains, I felt the nausea, I, I, I, I! I built a bond and an undeniable connection with my daughter far before she was born. We were so in-tune with each other that I knew she was girl. Seriously, I had many dreams and premonitions when I was pregnant with her. And if you ever witness us together, you can feel the love radiating between the two of us. But I didn’t make her by myself. Her father attended every doctor’s appointment, talked to her and played with her in the womb, put up with my terrible attitude and stayed at the hospital for my 5 days of labor. During my entire pregnancy he talked about how much he couldn’t wait to be a dad and he swore she would be such a daddy’s girl. Upon her arrival, he was always so anxious to do skin to skin. We went to several birthing classes and learned that skin to skin helps to create a strong bond with baby. So whenever he would hold her he felt it had to be skin to skin. It was so hilarious to witness. He’d walk in the door from work and the first thing he’d do is take off his shirt and wash his hands. He wanted so much for her to be a daddy’s girl. It would be wrong of me to interfere with a potentially dope bond before it even had a chance to transpire. And in all fairness, she’s daddy’s baby too.
Mama bear syndrome is a real thing. Real mama bears protect their cub(s) at all cost. If we hear so much as a whimper we jump to attack the cause, even if daddy is an inch away sharping his claws to attack before you. I’m guilty of stepping on my daughter’s father toes sometimes- okay, all of the time. But I can’t help it. Although we are both first time parents, something inside of me, tells me that I can do the job better. Which isn’t always true. But what if it is true? Does that give me the right to stifle his parental engagement?
Ever since my daughter arrived, I’ve been a stay at home mom. Which gives me the ability of managing her needs and wants a little better than daddy. I can pretty much decipher any cry, whine, whimper, coo, or facial expression that my daughter makes. My sweet little ball of perfection just turned 3 months, and I have never been away from her for more than a combined total of 12 hours in that time span. Plus I’m a breastfeeding mom. Which only adds to our impeccable bond. I can calm her in 10 seconds flat and if all else fails the boob is sure to save the day. Daddy on the other hand works a “9-5” so it takes him a little longer to figure out the culprit of her discomfort. So she may cry a few seconds longer or her diaper might not be as secure when he changes it, but it’s all a part of the learning process. I am slowly, and by slow I mean a snail’s pace, learning that I have to let daddy be a dad. No longer are the days where child rearing should be left solely up to mommy. Some fathers are attempting to step up to the plate, only to be shot down by a “supermom”.
Instead of teaching him how to give her a bath I would shout, “I’ll do it!” instead of familiarizing him with the most effective calming techniques I would say, “just give her to me.” In my eyes, this was for the better. Less fuss from baby and the task was done quickly, efficiently and to MY liking. I suppose I was being a bit- super rather, controlling. And what was I subconsciously teaching my daughter? That mommy was the only one who can give her comfort and that she wasn’t safe in daddy’s arms. I could sense that my behavior affected their daddy-daughter relationship. Who am I to take such a beautiful connection away from my pride and joy?
My behavior also caused daddy to be a little self-conscious in his parenting. If you haven’t learned by now, men are extremely emotional creatures under all of that tough exterior. And they say women are emotional? Tuh! But I could see his unease when she began to cry and he was unsure of how to immediately stop it like I could. I could see defeat in his face when it seemed she preferred me over him. I began to analyze my behavior and work towards changing it. I’d hand her over to him for diaper changes. I began asking if he’d get her dress as I showered. I began putting her down more often versus holding her all day so that he had a chance to pick her up without having to ask me to hand her over. Overall, I began sharing the responsibilities that comes with having a newborn. I witnessed the spark in daddy’s eyes as they played together and began building the bond he always dreamed of. It’s such a beautiful thing to watch.
I felt really guilty about my previous actions and reflected upon how many other mothers I see behaving the same way. Yet, when daddy doesn’t try we’re jumping down their throats and screaming DEAD BEAT! Women are nurtures by nature. We bring our babies into the world, so it’s natural for us to automatically jump into mommy mood. It may take daddy a little longer but that’s okay. As long as he tries, work with him. When having children you guys are a team, together or not. Our black babies need both parents in their life, especially if both are willing participants. They will always be mommy’s baby but they’re daddy’s baby, too.
Cynshei‘ Wilson is a 25 year old new mother determined to excel in life with her daughter by her side. She has an Associate’s Degree in Criminal Justice and a Bachelor’s Degree as a Legal Studies major. Cynshei’ aspires to attend Howard University’s School of Law. She then wishes to began her career as a Criminal Defense Attorney and end her career wherever her black girl magic takes her.