By Ebony Nicole Smith

Hey Y’all!

Welcome to the summer of 2019, my Single Dope Black Chicks. I know I’m glad it has arrived. I’m sure you are, too.

We hope the temperatures will rise which will cause a lot of sun-kissed melanin to appear at every festival, day-party, concert, cook-out, social brunch or an island that requires a passport to visit. With our brown skin moisturized from the shea butters, toes and fingers nails covered in bright and fun hues, our hair puffed up, curled, twisted, blown out, silk pressed, cut short, cut low, cut off, braided or covered by a handcrafted wig we can almost expect the frequent, “Hi, my name is [insert male name]. What’s your name” when we step out looking like full course meal. But if you’re like me, I am soooooo over the random, thoughtless text message such as, “WYD” or “What’s good.” I find myself responding very slowly to those messages or not at all. If I do reply, it’s often on the smart mouth side; “I’m building my Queendom. Why?”

Yes, I know that’s rude, but sis, I’m tired of it. I really am. I want just one to come with some conversation topics beyond the foolishness I’m use to. Someone who can keep the conversation going outside of text messages. If you want to know if someone is good for your soul, you must interview them aka ask questions. And I’ve found that by doing this, it weeds out those who want to talk with me in person or over the phone. This is important to me because a man can’t know when I’m joking, being sarcastic or serious if we don’t talk. I’m too seasoned to be dating men via text messages. There are 24hrs in a day – text messages aren’t how you’ll know who Ebony Nicole Smith really is. To make sure I’m not frustrated with the lack of conversation, I’ve come up with the 30-Day Dating Dialog Challenge.

Three years ago I was dating a guy for about 5 months before his anger issues and demanding attitude became too much for me. Before we stopped talking to each other, I suggested to him that we send each other a text message with a question in the morning and then answer it in the evening with our spoken words not typed words. At first, it worked very well. We asked anywhere from shallow questions (What’s your favorite place to dine/visit/vacation) to deep questions (What was childhood like for you?).

I have to admit, we only got to day 18 because I had become uninterested as his attitude began to take center stage. I haven’t had the chance or opportunity to do it again but I’m full of hope that this 30-Day Dating Dialog will be completed. Now, to be clear, you don’t have to do it every single day for 30-days straight. I mean, there were days when I didn’t want to be near my cellphone or even shut it off for a day or two for some much-needed one-on-one conversations with my Jesus. Don’t be to be stressed that you have to do it that fast; just make a mindful decision to do so. This will have to be needed from both parties.

So, just how does it work?

Well, I’m glad you asked. Below are the instructions to dating this summer. You can change it how you please but stay the course if you can.

Object: to get to know who you’re dating with detailed conversations with the use of spoken, not typed, words.

Equipment: each person needs a reliable phone and must desire and make the effort to know the other person.

Preparation: come up with 15 or more questions on your own and/or ask your girls for some help.

The Play: tell the guy you want to get to know him more and you would like for him to know you. Suggest you do so by asking a question every morning, then setting a time in the evening to talk. You could do it however you want – over dinner, video chat, phone. As long as you can hear each other’s voice is all that matters. Whoever asked the first question of the day, can either answer first or have the other answer.

- The beauty is that the more you two talk, the more questions will arise. This will help kill the dead air or awkward silence.

- Think of questions that you would want someone to ask you if you wanted them to really know you or begin to.

- Don’t overthink it!

- Be open to what he may ask you. If he asks you a question that you don’t feel comfortable answering, just tell him so and offer up a reason that is understandable – “Because I don’t want to,” isn’t an understandable answer.

- If you do this over dinner, you can write down some questions and each of you take a turn picking one to answer.

- You can choose as many days as you want for the dating dialog.

- Keep in mind, if he’s not interested in you, he probably will not be into the game. Doing this will help weed those buggers out from the start!

- Don’t dive too deep too fast. Start shallow, then go deeper as the days progress.

- As I stated, I got to day 18 with a guy. We started about 2-months after we first met. Think of your 30-days like the move 40-year Old Virgin. You may not be able to speak every day, but when you do, it shouldn’t be boring or lacking interest in the conversation.

- Craft your questions based on the attributes and knowledge you desire in a man.

To help my sistas out, I’ve come up with some questions for you to get started.

1. Do you have a passport, do you like to travel, where have you been, where do you want to go?

2. What was childhood like for you?

3. If you could meet anyone, dead or alive, who would it be and why?

4. What’s one thing you wish you would have done, but feel it’s too late to do?

5. Thus far, what is the biggest lesson life has taught you?

6. What’s your favorite season and why?

7. If you could run the country for a day, what would you do?

8. If you had $1M, today, and had to spend it in 30-days what would you spend it on?

9. If he has children, ask him about the relationship with his kids, does he want more etc.

10. What book would you recommend for me to read to know what entertains you, educated you or has or will help you with current and/or future plans?

Now, I know these questions seem a bit random, but read them and notice the following:

1. You would ask this to see if he is able to travel. If you are like me, you love collecting passport stamps and want to be with a man that like to or at least can. Also, to know that he’s been to places outside of your city. You’ll be surprised at how many adults have NEVER left their respective cities.

2. Childhood will let you in on the man he is today. What influences he’s had and experiences that has shaped him.

3. You get to see who inspires him and why.

4. Sometimes when something seems like it’s too late for a man, they just need the right one to show him it’s not…hint…hint YOU’RE THAT ONE.

5. Self-explanatory there.

6. This could be a very special time for him from a memory long ago or something that just makes him happy. If you go your dating turns into a relationship, you can plan something special during his favorite season.

7. The President is the LEADER of the country. This will show you his leadership skills or lack thereof.

8. Finances are a huge responsibility. YOU MUST KNOW how he handles money. The bible declares that if we are faithful with few, He’ll make use ruler of many.

9. Relationships that are important to him will become to you.

10. Can he teach you something or not? What does he feed his mind that is helpful or harmful? Books, depending on the subject matter, can do either or.

So, my Single Dope Black Chicks, how do you feel about the idea of the 30-Day Dating Dialog Challenge? Send me an email at singledopeblackchick@gmail.com to let me know. If you try the dating dialog, let me know how far you’ve gotten and if this has helped you to weed out the buggers from the real men.

Ebony Nicole Smith is the CEO of Ebony Nicole Smith Consulting, LLC, an author, publisher, transformational speaker and writing coach. She lives in Rochester with her family and travels the world with her heart.

30-Days of Dating Dialog Challenge