Single Dope Black Chick
By Natasha Marie
Him: “Yo….y’kno I’m sayin…. I don’t really read like that! Y’kno I’m sayin?!”
Me: No, Sir. I can’t say that I do know what you’re saying and I don’t think I want to.
And this… has been the sum-total of my single life. I am educated. I’m not promiscuous; I carry myself like a Lady. I’m a Black Queen. I’m a woman of faith and well-spoken. I’m strong, intelligent and witty. I’m an amazing mother, a loving sister & daughter, a devoted member of my church, I serve in my community, I’m an author, public speaker, an aspiring entrepreneur….and yet, among all these things I’m also SINGLE.
In January of 2015, I embarked on this journey as a single woman, after almost 17 years of marriage. It is a journey that I never fathomed I would take, nor did I want to take but nonetheless, it is my reality. I’m a Recently Divorced Single Dope Black Chick who has faced failure, humiliation, frustration, abandonment and rejection, to name a few. I have spent the past several years trying to rebuild what had been torn down by years of a failed relationship and here I stand today, with the hopes of one day being married again but nothing seems farther from reality.
So, this leaves me with two possible trains of thought: either I’m just not a candidate for love OR Mr. Right just hasn’t surfaced yet. I choose to believe the latter. Now, you talk about hope against hope?! Believing that the man for me is somewhere out there definitely requires a paradigm shift of thinking that must happen daily. Let’s just say, that what I’ve encountered as a single (divorced & mature seasoned) woman has been less than favorable. In a society where people get hitched, boo’ed up, linked up, cuffed or “Netflix and chill” all the time, I guess it’s unheard of that a woman could be so dope and still be single. I’m here to tell you – I have been single and celibate for what’s going on 5 years now.
Some probably might think I just don’t want a relationship. Nothing could be farther from the truth. I did admittedly need time post-divorce to heal and recuperate from such a life-altering blow. For some, divorce takes your breath away and along with it some self-esteem and a little bit of pride. There are still days that even the smallest trigger can send me to a place of regret or remorse mentally that I must rehabilitate myself out of. Counseling has also been helpful for me during what I’ve called the reconstruction phase.
Once I finally felt ready to move on with my life, I made myself accessible. I didn’t want to jump into anything too quickly because rebound relationships can be disastrous. When I made the decision that a reasonable amount of time had passed, I made myself open and available. I’ve attended reasonably populated Jazz events, concerts, movies and outings alone. I’ve dressed to impress, worn my best and left the house looking and smelling great. There was a time when I would do this purposefully to gain the attention of a man. But this life has taught me the hard way to LOVE MYSELF. The book I wrote was the byproduct of a conversation that first went on in my head, so I could find my own sense of self-worth.
Over the years, I’ve discovered that self-love is a choice and it must take place without regard to any other person’s input or presence. FIRST Love And Develop Yourself was a mantra before it was a book. I’ve had to spend some quality time dating myself and enjoying my own company to make up for years of not doing it. Because I love getting dressed up and smelling great and going out, I choose to still do those things even though I often do so alone. Because I absolutely adore flowers, I purchase them for myself and have learned to celebrate the woman God crafted me to be. During this time, I rediscovered ME and can honestly say I now know what I like and what makes me smile. If you’re not careful, married life can cause you to shrink back and forget about yourself while pouring into the needs of another (but that’s a different article!).
I chose to move ahead, ready and prepared to love again. I figured operating from an educated place and with the ammunition to know exactly how to do it wrong would help me go about things the right way! I have made myself open to fall in love but at this point I haven’t been able to trip into it, much less fall! Love has neither found me nor has it, in any way, knocked on my door.
There was another occurrence recently that was very disheartening. A very attractive guy was clearly attracted to me. He asked my phone number but made it seem that his purpose and intent was business related. I didn’t mind at all. I was intrigued and very interested in continuing the stimulating conversation. I gave him my number because I saw what I thought was the potential for a great connection. I would soon find out that not only was this a complete waste of time but also a waste of breath and a sad case of God Help Us. In the beginning of this phone conversation, I asked a few typical questions like “where were you actually born?” and “how many siblings do you have?” but to my surprise, I was immediately met with opposition. He proceeded to advise that getting to know him would not work like that. In other words, the art of asking questions was unacceptable to him. He further explained that he trusted no one. Wait – WHAT?! I obviously included myself in that pool of people he didn’t trust so I asked why would he want to talk with me if he didn’t trust me? He began to get very defensive and I tried to change the subject. I felt as if I was talking with someone that had every possible prison wall up, in order to keep me out. I remember thinking this was clearly not a match made in heaven but hey – why not give him a chance? I convinced myself to continue the conversation. I asked him what was the longest he was in a relationship? His response is what really ended my willingness to proceed further. He fumbled over his words and after thinking audibly, trying to reach for a number he told me 1 year. ONE whole year was the longest that he’d been in a relationship. That wasn’t (in and of itself) necessarily the problem.
The problem was that the one year relationship he spoke of was well….. while he was in High School.
(Insert buck eyed emoji here and then the shaking my head one too…)
I recently saw a Facebook post from a single female that said: “He offered to pay my rent, but I have a whole mortgage, boo!” I thought that was harsh because after all, at least the brother offered, right? As high-powered women, we should be open to men who aren’t necessarily as successful or wealthy, right? We should be able to accept a man for who he is, regardless of his status or bank account, right?
I will leave it up to you to answer those questions. I asked them rhetorically.
What I will say is that my concern at this stage of the game is that if all you bring to the table is a ONE year long experience of stability and very little stimulating conversation on top of an inability to discuss or develop plans that include some sense of longevity then my friend…. I’m sorry (not sorry) but Sir, all we can possible be at this juncture, is friends.
The man that God has in store for me will be a leader with a business mindset, an educator and a community advocate. He will have pillars in place that reflect stability as well as a credit score (comparable to mine) that shows he understands responsibility and security. He will not only be able to pray but he will be able to lead me in prayer as well as fasting. You see, I’ve come to understand that a relationship is not about me taking but giving all that I have and it’s about both parties bringing something to the table. I look forward to meeting the man God has in store because with the caliber of woman that I am, he will not just bring something to the table, but he’ll have the skills to BUILD the table. We will compliment each other’s destiny and help cultivate purpose in one another. There are times I feel like I’m asking too much but my common sense tells me that asking for too little is a disservice to me and the godly union that will help change the community where we both live. I’ve tried and failed at a relationship before. This time, I’m willing to wait for God’s absolute best; for both of us, it will be worth the wait. This last relationship will be the one that will make up for every tear, every heart break and every failed attempt that has proceeded it. But until that time comes, I’m a single dope black chick – loving myself and in hot pursuit of God’s divine purpose.
Natasha Marie, age 44, is the author of a book entitled First Lady Redefined and she is the proud mother of her 15 year old son, Jalen. She works full time at a local insurance agency, but education is her passion and she's also a proud contributing member (or "WOKE Mom") of an organization called M.O.B.B. United (www.mobbunited.org).