The Cost of Love: Is it Worth the Withdrawal?

By Ebony Nicole Smith

Often, when in love or out of it, we question how, if we are in love, can things happen that strain the heart, causes us to become bitter and to throw in the towel. I remember one evening, following the last heartbreak that caused a major “heart attack”, during a painful prayer, I had a conversation with the Lord; after all, that is what prayer is.

I tearfully and sobbingly managed to get out, “Love cost too much. I can only afford to pay out one more time. After that I’ll be in the negative.” I remember standing in the middle of my bedroom saying these things. I staggered to my bed and fell over onto it. I gripped my covers and screamed as pain leaked out of my eyes and shattered my heart. I was done! Maybe not forever, but for a long time. I was done trying to build a future, getting to know someone, revealing who I am, being bold enough to allow someone new into my life. I was done! I found myself on the side of my bed, having slid down along with my cover, crying and asking why me…again. I tried not to figure out what I had done wrong, could have done differently and all other thoughts that come when relationships – or situationships -end. But I couldn’t help it. Maybe I fell too hard – too fast, maybe I wanted too much, maybe I asked him for too much of his time; I mean, he was a business man so his time was limited, right? I recall roaring out, “Why me? I hate men! Leave me alone, please! I can’t. I can’t.” I meant every. single. word. “Leave me alone, please,” was my way of asking God to really, leave me lonely because love wasn’t worth all that I had given without a return on my investment. It’s funny how the heart is the strongest muscle in the body but is easily broken.

In my heartache, in my anguish, I hear a voice that was clear as day, crisp as a spring morning after a downpour of tears, I mean rain. Almost as if He was waiting for me to finish my foolish statement, God asked, “How much does love cost? What do you have that is worth anything to lose for love?”

 I didn’t hesitate to respond. No thought was needed because I had made withdrawals from the Bank of Love for so long that I know the balance. “Love costs a lot, Lord. I just can’t do it anymore. It cost me my time, attention, care for the other person – that wasn’t reciprocated, risk of being made a fool in love with a joker. Love cost me countless tears, pounds of doubt, many certificates of confusion, short nights and longs days of investing in ‘the wonder of what I could have done differently’ stock. The price of love has gone up since I crossed into the years of 30. Building up and tearing down of patience has just about drained all of my extra dividends. Just when I thought I was going to have a large deposit made, I found it to be counterfeit cash. It looked like love, felt like love and spoke like love. But it wasn’t. The last bit of currency that I have, I’m not sure I’m willing and able to make a withdrawal.”

The funny thing about a conversation with God is, He doesn’t always speak back when you (or I) want Him to or think He should.

That night of waiting was long, hard and dreadful. I couldn’t stop crying, while replaying the last conversation I had with the guy my heart had fallen for. I heard every word, again, as if they were said for the first time. I can’t tell you how many times I reread the text messages that spilled from my phone. The more I heard and, the more I reread the more I realized that love did in fact cost too much. I knew what I had was worth losing for love -- my joy, my peace, myself. I was sure that God would agree with me, that love did cost too much and that He understood why I had reached the limit on life withdrawals. Unlike a financial institution, my Bank of Love was always open ready to receive new clientele. Sadly, it’s not until the account is opened, deposits are made that I see the fraudulent activity too late.  I tried, with all that I had, to be sure to spot the fraud before getting too far involved. My security walls were high and unbreakable. Yet, I didn’t protect the front door and because of it deceit found its way in. The last account that was opened, caused me to file for love bankruptcy within one year. I was able to keep a little bit of love, but not enough to share with a major deposit being made first!

As the night carried on through suffering from a damaged heart, God had me wondering what He would say. Hours later, I received His response.  

                “My daughter, love cost a life at 33-yrs old. It cost the striping of flesh. It cost the resting of large wood on shoulders. Love cost tears thick as blood. It cost knowing you had a counterfeit friend by your side. Love pays for the prayers that would otherwise be ignored. It paid for redemption you can’t afford. Love is giving your life for someone that will lose trust in you because of something man has done. Love is waiting for you to do what it has commanded of you. Love is closing your eyes and believing in what you can’t see but can hear from love. Love is risking it all, giving your all, not expecting a return because the withdrawal is worth it. That’s love. You haven’t withdrawn as much as you think. What you have taken out and freely given is the interest accumulated over the years. You haven’t tapped into the major reserve yet. If you trust Me to love you correctly, you will see just how insignificant those small withdrawals were. Love is worth the risk and benefits.”

After that, I felt bad about how I felt. Thinking that I had so much to lose by falling in love when in fact, Love had done the most, above and beyond just for me. Soon thereafter, I began to pray for my brokenness. One night, He told me, “I Am going to uproot everything that caused this. Let Me work.” That was November 2017 and in 2018, I didn’t fight the work He needed to do in me. It had taken a whole year for Him to complete most of the works within me. I know, honestly, I can feel more is needed, He’s not done, but the work He has put into me is so good. I can’t wait to see the restoration of my Bank of Love that will store the love He has for me to give.

I’m still open to that final deposit but I’m not in a rush. I have handed over all responsibility to my bank Manager (aka my Jesus). He is accountable for what happens from here on out. And for that, I will forever be a functioning Bank of Love.

I encourage you check your bank to see what’s left. If you’re low on currency, than hire the bank Manager that will restore it, if you let Him.

Let me know what your banking status is by sending me an email at singledopeblackchick@gmail.com  or comment below.

Ebony Nicole Smith is the CEO of Ebony Nicole Smith Consulting, LLC, an author, publisher, transformational speaker and writing coach. She lives in Rochester with her family and travels the world with her heart.