The Promise After the Pain: Addressing the Little Girl Within

By Dr. Sharitta Gross

As children we have little to no choice of the environment we grow up in. As adults we have a choice in how we process those past hurts and what we allow ourselves to be exposed to. Such a process can be a rigorous, painful one, requiring us to ask difficult questions of those who brought us into this world. I don’t know about you, but I was taught that you don’t question your parents. Yet as we age, how else does one address those deep-seeded matters of the heart that shapes how we view and value relationships?

I had to be a different level of patient, creating higher pain threshold as the child of an addict. I often allowed certain situations to be around past their expiration date, creating a stink. I ‘Febreezed it’ as opposed to looking at the root cause—doing the work to extract it. The little girl in me awaiting the change that an addict hasn’t yet agreed to in their spirit and/or mind resulted in my giving undeserving individuals full admission to a front row seat of my life as an adult. This is not to suggest that people are dispensable, as we should value people and relationships above material possessions.

My intended point here is that with an addict you must believe in the possibility of a significant change. I often told myself I’m not perfect and yet God loves me, so I needed to be patient with my ‘friends’ or that significant other. But despite attempting to see folk through God’s eyes, I concluded that loving someone where they are doesn’t mean granting them continued access to you. It can promote maintaining relationships that we think will get better, putting a period in your life’s story where there should be a comma or colon. You know—that red flag we pass off as magenta?

Speaking to my mother about the pain her absence caused while telling her that I know she did the best she could and I loved her no matter what, resulted in a better understanding of the areas I needed to pay most attention to emotionally and spiritually. I’m proud to say that my mother has over two decades of clean time, yet she’s often carried guilt over what I saw and experienced as her eldest child. Once I realized that if I didn’t forgive her I’d be missing out on the relationship I could have with her and the healing we both needed, I knew I’d have to be prepared to have some uncomfortable conversations. Without honesty a relationships’ foundation is unstable, so I had to express what I needed from her to facilitate her being as much of a mom as possible to a child who grew up without her.

I share this part of my life’s journey in hopes of helping someone else change their narrative of success. There’s many bottlenecks and detours, however, if you don’t face it you can’t figure out what steps need be taken. And if it’s therapy that helps you along, take a deep breath, then GO. Often we’re told it’s for crazy people or something is wrong with you. That unbiased, private safe space can provide that needed first step.

And as they say, the journey of a thousand miles indeed begins with a single step.

Sharitta Gross is a proud Rochester native raised on the west side of the city. She is currently the Vice-Chair of the Cheryl Speranza Leadership Institute.
This past May she changed her title to ‘Doctor’, receiving her doctorate of Education from St. John Fishers’ Executive Leadership program.
She plans to find creative ways to elevate her research on academically successful undergraduate Black males in STEM disciplines at a predominately White institution to leave the field of education, her community and the world a little better than she found it. All this while living her absolute best life and traveling when she can to create new memories with family and loved ones!